As a guy, my approach to shopping is the same as my Neolithic ancestors: stalk it, kill it, drag it back to the cave. The sensible one in this relationship is like her distant ancestors, too: browse and gather and look for what berries will be ripening next week and what tubers will be ready for the dry season. When I go shopping, it’s a quick grab and go. When we go shopping together... well, let’s just say it’s a learning experience.

Yesterday, she wanted to stop at the CVS Pharmacy for some things. I made a beeline for the required products, she browsed. If it hadn’t been for her, I never would have noticed that CVS doesn’t just sell medicines. They also sell magic!

There’s a whole section devoted to magic water in various formulations. For example, there’s water that remembers it was once mixed with a little duck liver, but has been so diluted it no longer contains even a molecule of the original substance. They call it “Oscillococcinum”, and say that it will help relieve flu symptoms. (Well, the doctor did say to drink plenty of liquids.) CVS actually has its own brand of this magic water, less expensive than the other brands.

They also have a variety of herbal remedies for all occasions. Want to pep up your love life? How about some Horny Goat Weed? The principal proposed uses are for the relief of female sexual dysfunction, male sexual dysfunction, and the symptoms of menopause. Actual double-blind placebo-controlled peer-reviewed studies published on the safety and effectiveness of Horny Goat Weed for doing anything but slimming your wallet? Ah, there’s the rub, as it were. There are none. I did find a study from 2006 finding that, purified and in ridiculously high concentrations, it was less than 10% as effective as sildenafil (Viagra) in rabbits.

My very favorite, though was Holy Soap. There were two varieties, one bearing the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the other calling itself “Saint Barbara Soap.”



Here are the instructions for use on the back of both varieties:

                Let Us Pray: Make Your Request.
                Make the Sign of the Cross, Amen!
                Soap does not have supernatural powers.

Some nostrums never go away. CVS proudly sells Lydia Pinkham’s Patented Compound. Lydia Pinkham lived about ten miles from where I’m now sitting. The claims for her tonic are legion, especially for vaguely-worded “women’s problems". Unlike homeopathic potions, however, Pinkham’s tonic actually worked - it was at least 36 proof! I don’t know if the current stuff packs an alcoholic punch, but there are still women reviewing it on Amazon.com who swear that it eased their menstrual cramps and helped them get pregnant.

There was an old song about Pinkham’s Tonic that went,

                There’s a baby in every bottle,
                So the old quotation ran.
                But the Federal Trade Commission
                Still insists you’ll need a man.

CVS Pharmacy: the place for all your panacea, snake oil, and elixer needs. They may not be selling the old patent medicines that Collier’s Magazine dubbed “Palatable Poison for the Poor,” but they’re deliberately deceiving and defrauding the ignorant and uninformed by giving magic water, holy soap, and dubious herbs the same status and shelf space as real, scientifically tested and FDA approved medicines. It’s enough to make you sick.